Susan Dennis (susandennis) wrote,
Susan Dennis

So Susan, What would you change about yourself or your life? Is there a way for you to change it?

There are a lot of little things but then, if I tweak those, what would happen to the others. I've made a lot of giant errors in my life but pretty much grew roses out of shit every time so I'd be a little anxious to change much.

What I would like a mulligan on is how I treated my parents. I never had a good attitude about them. At 18 months, they brought home a new baby and I think I stayed pissed about that for a long time.

I totally won the parent lottery and never appreciated it enough.

My Mom was hard to get close to but always a kick and a half to be around. She was a straight shooter who took no prisoners. And she had the fastest tongue in the west. I spent the last six years of her life in very close contact and we shared amazing and wonderful times. I just wish I'd started that earlier.

My bother says that the problem between me and my father was that we were too much alike. He might be right. My dad gave me oh so much. Some of my very best childhood memories are of me and him or just of him in general. As I grew into adulthood, he made sure I had the best best starting block possible. He taught me how to deal with money and how to consider and recognize success.

But he was such a bigot. A closeted bigot but a bigot nonetheless. It grated on me constantly. He had black friends and gay friends and lots of Jewish friends and always always thought they were broken people. He assumed that everyone who was poor was that way by choice and/or bad decisions that they refuse to fix.

He had a great singing voice and always sang in the church choir. One time when I was an adult visiting them in their tiny Southern town, after dinner one Saturday night, we went to a gospel sing in an outdoor theater. It was wonderful except, we had to sit in an obscure corner way in the back "I sure don't want anyone to know I would come to something like this," he explained.

I didn't 'get' him and I couldn't understand how he could sit in church every single Sunday and feel such hatred and disdain for so many.

For many many many years we never saw each other and, when we did, it was strained and not that much fun. We did have a great trip to New Zealand about 5 years before he died so that's better than nothing but still not great and I regret so much where he is concerned.

So the things I would change are things like I would like to have been kinder to him and to them both. I would like to have shown them how much I appreciated them. And I would like to have mined them for more good stuff.

And, no, there's no way to change it. Daddy died of heart failure in 1999 and Mom died of heart/lung and old age in 2005.
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