Susan Dennis (susandennis) wrote,
Susan Dennis

Living with who I am

The now giant email going around from all my classmates finally mentioned me - after listing all the dead ones (6) and the missing (3). Someone asked if the missing Susan Dennis was not, maybe Susan Schubert (my maiden name) and someone responded "Yes. She lives in Seattle and she's not interested."

It sounds so cold and so accurate. I actually am interested, but only in a one way mirror way. I am not interested in being a part of it all. I feel like most, if not all, of those women are fine, interesting people. But they remind me of a time that when I was not who I should have been. Not who I wanted to be. Not even someone I wanted to know. I really do not like being reminded of times like that.

I've actually never been someone who wanted to be loved or liked by everyone. I have, however, always craved respect. I'd like to be admired but I really want to be respected for being smart and sharp and witty. I was none of that when I went to school with those women. So I'm not wild about being dismissed so coldly but it's a fair price to pay.

Most of the time, I'm ok with who I turned out to be. There are definite improvements that could be made but I really don't have motivation to make them at this point.

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