Susan Dennis (susandennis) wrote,
Susan Dennis

Outliving your true self

I know how to be a better person. I almost always know what I did wrong or said wrong or didn't do... after the fact. And I spend a lot of energy regretting that I hurt the person who then forgave me. But I always know that we will always know that I was not the person I wanted to be.

Until that person dies. When someone dies, they take with them the bad as well as the good.

There were years that my father drove me crazy and I was not gracious about it. I wanted him to be different and he wasn't and I was mean. When he died, I remember thinking whew, now no one will know what a horrible daughter I was to an old man. It's not true, of course, I know but still... When my Mom died, again, I knew no one would ever now find out how ridiculously stupid I was when I was a teenager and how I disappointed both my parents in so many ways. Yes, I made them proud mostly but not always. But, now that they are gone, and so is that shameful history.

I was probably the worst wife in the history of wives. I knew the marriage was a mistake instantly. Like that evening after our wedding. Seriously. I knew it. And I did nothing. Well, no, not nothing. I went on for about 2 and a half years making me and everyone around me miserable. It was mean and selfish and really ridiculous. I was a grown woman. 30 years old. I was educated with resources and still I was horrible.

And now the victim of my torture is dead and cannot testify against me. Seriously, part of me really does feel that.

If I live long enough, I can maybe achieve sainthood. (arugh to both of those things, by the way)

Also there's a downside - besides people you love not being around - when my friend, John, died, he took with him my only proof that I ever bungy jumped. There are no photos or videos of it. It was in New Zealand, just me and him. He bet me $100 (American, not New Zealand) that I wouldn't do it. I collected. But, now, there's only my word on the whole thing...
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