Susan Dennis (susandennis) wrote,
Susan Dennis

Is there something wrong other than old?

After I hit 60, I became no longer able to differentiate between something being wrong with me or my just being old.  And I still can't. Or rather, it seems to get worse every year. Every week, it seems, is a new normal.

This morning I woke up refreshed after sleeping well but really not that enthused about going to the pool. I did not stop to think about it, but just headed on over there. Swimming was a slog. My back hurt, my left thigh was numb, I was coughing. I just felt crappy. But, not the kind of crappy that would be better if I stopped swimming so I kept on and did my mile.  I still don't feel great but I at least I feel like I already accomplished something today.

I have a family history of heart disease and strokes. I am not even all that interested in living that many more years. I wonder constantly is this ache or that pain is the beginning of the end. My COPD will eventually rob me of the ability to breathe if something else doesn't get me first. I'm not worried about dying. I'd rather not be incapacitated to the point of requiring help but at least I live in a state where I can, given the right bits in place, chose when/how I actually end my life.

All of this wanders through my head nearly daily. But, not really in a morose way. More in a hmmmm way. But some days, when aches and pains are more hurty, I really do wonder if it's my imagination or my age or if there is really something going on.

The truth is... it does not matter one bit.
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