April 13th, 2019


For several years now, I have worn one of those rubber bracelets. Mine says Do Not Resuscitate on it. Also my phone, if you turn it on and you are not logged in, it says Susan Dennis (Do Not Resuscitate). And I seriously mean it. Today I learned, reading the memoir by the palliative care doctor, that I need to add Do Not Intubate and even that might not be enough to stop people from trying to save me.

She had a whole chapter on this old guy with no family or friends who was being eaten up by cancer and brought in from the nursing home because he had trouble breathing. He had a blood clot. He had DNR/DNI orders. The chapter was her trying to decide if they should treat him for the blood clot and try to fix it and other issues. WTF????? I was screaming at my Kindle. In the end, she decided to let him be and give him, instead, as peaceful and pain free death as possible. So I'll now keep reading the book.

I get that people don't want to die. I understand that many are afraid to die. That dying is like a sin to some. Nothing worse.

I am not one of those people.

I have had and still have a great life now. BUT I suspect that will change sooner than later. When it does, my preference, by a long shot is to cut my losses and say goodnight. I have zero patience with medical shit. I'm not interested in pain or even much discomfort. I want to spend exactly 0 days in a hospital and less time hooked up to anything. The price of all that is more than I want to pay. If today is the last day of my life, I plan to make sure it's a good one.

This is a soap box I mount often because, so many people feel so differently than I do, I live in fear that when I am down and at the mercy of others, they will inflict their beliefs on me and disregard my wishes and be lauded for their efforts while what I want goes ignored. My brother is my emergency contact and he knows the score and I trust him to make any decisions on my behalf as if I had made them myself. And I've written out my desires in legal documents, on my phone, on my bracelet, here... Clearly having my wishes tattooed on my body is not a helpful solution.

So I just haul out the soap box when the spirit moves. This book moved the spirit this morning.

If you need me I'll be in the kitchen

The Mariners lost late last night so I slept late but still managed to get to the pool early. A lot of our schools are still on spring break so a lot of the Saturday usuals weren't there. I had a great swim, made a quick grocery stop to pick up essentials and then home.

I had breakfast, read a bit and then internetted. I am being serenaded right now by the Seattle Sounders Marching band outside the stadium. They have a game at 1. The band plays there and then goes up to the park (a few blocks away) where the fans gather and plays there and leads the parade back to the stadium. It's a whole thing that is really very cool. There is also another parade of chanters. They all come down the street that my terrace overlooks. It's like a party at my house. I'm not a soccer fan but I am a Sounders Pregame fan.

Today's projects are stuffing and banana bread. I have a bunch of chopped up onions and celery that need to be used and some Pepperage Farm stuffing mix. I'll add an egg or two and some broth and maybe mushrooms and mix it all up and freeze in single servings.

And I have 3 overripe bananas plus chocolate chips.

So, why not?!

Then I might just strap on my new shoes and take them out and introduce them to the neighborhood.